Tuesday, February 28, 2012

A Race Against Time ...


I was getting ready to make lunch last Sunday 26th February when hubby came to the fridge to get a drink. As he opens the door , he told me that we have to go to Belgium by the end of this week inorder to say goodbye to his father and he started crying like a baby infront of me. I was stunned coz I thought his father had died. But he immediately said that he got only a month to live and we have to come to say goodbye to him before it's too late. It was a shocking news but I knew it would come one of these months but didn't expect to be this soon though.

Hubby n I were not  speaking to each other and I don't even look at him even when we live in the same house for over a year now. Our relationship had gone down from being married to worst enemies. It's better that way coz I now finally got so tired of forgiving over n over again !

I can't help myself bursting into tears just like him so I went to the laundry area and cried my eyes out . My father in law is such a great guy and he's been very nice to me all these years. He 's the one I had confided with when any problems arise between his son & I. I would say that he'd been by far a great person in his heart & mind. To see him in his death bed must be the hardest thing I could ever imagine happening for me and the rest of the family . It's so heartbreaking to see the good ones go in a very painful manner.

 He's been very sick since last year but he tried his very best and  with his will power  , he was able to manage to come to Perth for his last holiday . His aim was to see his son and  grandchildren and spend some moments with us. He & His wife took the risk of travelling for several hours from Belgium to Perth and endured all consequences despite of his illness just to spend his precious time bonding with us.

In fact, mother in law was also not so well after her previous surgery. She herself was also trying her best to feel physically good when in fact she has to be cared for. Pepe was very attentive with her needs all the while during their stay here. How he loves her dearly. She is one very lucky woman to have found a great man like Pepe.

Although unfortunately, their stay here in Perth wasn't that all good despite of the travel we made to Margaret River for family bonding. The tensions of trying to hide my feelings and blending with them as a family just hits me to the core. I felt so bad being put in a situation of smiling or trying to look happy when in fact i am not at all when in the company of their son. To be in the same room with him is like being in a cage of hell. I just hate his presence. I was so unhappy that I had spent most of my time in Margaret river being away from them. Keeping myself busy making my passion that served as my constant solution for the on & off palpitations , stress & anxiety i was having during those moments.

 For me .. it's the best time for their son to pay his respects for them as his parents. He owed them a lot in this world so he needed the bonding with them much more than anyone else.

Being in Margaret River gave my parents in law the biggest eye opener for them to see what's the real score between hubby & I.  They tried to ignore what they had seen happening within our relationship but deep inside I know that they're crying in each others arms at the end of the day in the privacy of their room. I had felt their sadness too and how it breaks my heart to see them suffer in silence just to hide things from my children. But life has to go on ... especially for me who is constantly finding a solution on my own to all my grievances. I still got time to do things in my life and I guess I need to set my feet forward for them to know that time , emotional / mental abuse and heartaches had transformed me into a totally new person . Someone real strong in character fighting & voicing out her feelings unlike before being as a person helplessly crying in a corner all the time and giving in to everyone else's wishes. That woman had long gone ...

Indeed it's soulbreaking but this is the moment they have to finally realize that our marriage isn't what it was before. It's not a bag full of roses anymore but of thorns poking into ourselves each time we're near each other. A lot had changed since we had moved in Perth from Singapore. About time they realize I had given up on the hope of keeping my marriage going . It takes 2 to Tango as a cliche goes and I was the only one dancing to the tunes so ... I just got so tired after a while. Not worth to sacrifice myself anymore for the convenience of others around me. My position in life is not to live life for the convenience of others thru my expense. I need the respect I deserve for the sacrifices I had given. That's my point and my life is not supposed to be tailor made to fit theirs according to their lifestyle... a truth that's surely like a bomb exploding into everyone's minds at this moment. I hardly speak of anything for myself ever since but now ,,, I just have to do it while I still have the time and opportunity to say so while people can hear me. Painful truth but being honest is how people would realize the kind of person I am.

Anyways, I'm gonna start packing our bags today & tomorrow for the trip to Belgium this coming Thursday 1st of March. This is probably the most memorable trip I would ever had in my life. To finally say goodbye to someone so good & respectful. Not easy but I will try to keep my head up most of the times but surely,,, I won't hold my tears back. A good man is worth every tear drop I still have left inside my eyes.

So to our  most dearest Pepe ( as we fondly call him ) ... may your precious time be filled with moments of joys and happiness with your loved ones who lovingly care for you ... I do wish from the bottom of my heart that you have the  eternal peace  & happiness you surely deserve ...
and don't worry,
things would work out ok for everyone ... 
One day will come when we would all reach the end of our own journey ... with contentment and no regrets I hope
It's just a matter of racing against time to get all the necessary changes done ... right here ... right now .

Thank You Pepe for all the lovely moments and words you had shared with me ... they will forever linger in mind , heart & ears

 I will never forget you !

May Peace Be With You 
Always ...

Lots Of Love,